the inevitable loss

the very thought of this is so emotionally powerful and overwhelming that it only takes a few seconds until the tears are streaming down my face. these tears are different than any other. they come from a place so deep within my entire being that it feels like they will never stop; an endless pit of utter worry and awaited devastation that i know will one day hit me like a mountain of bricks, leaving me hollow. completely hollow and terrified.

my biggest fear in life is losing my parents.

a common fear? most certainly…usually among middle-aged people who are just beginning to see signs of their parents deteriorating. but generally by the time most people reach middle-age they are settled. they have a spouse, a house, a career, kids…a stable life. not that it makes the loss of a parent any less painful, but at the very least they have a family to lean on and a head on their shoulders. and most importantly, they’ve had at least 40 years of knowing and loving and sharing memories with their parents.

what scares me more than losing my parents, is losing my parents as a young person.

i was born when my mom was 35. my dad was 37. now that i’m 23, they’re older people. i witness their struggle on a daily basis. i witness the arthritis flare ups, the medication, the doctors appointments…it’s around me all the time. things might be different if life had taken them on different paths but it didn’t. my dad has heart problems and has already gone through major heart surgery. my mom had an accident at work that, even after two surgeries, has left her basically unable to function like a normal person.

it’s hard to be a young person and witness their pain and struggle. it’s just a constant reminder that one day they are going to leave me. they are going to leave me. and i won’t know what to do or how to handle anything because they will be gone and i won’t have the proper head on my shoulders to be able to deal with it. they won’t be around to see me have kids…or get married if i ever wind up doing so…they won’t be around for anything. they just won’t be around. and it’s that thought that rips my heart out of my chest and buries me in anguish every second that it runs through my mind. then come the tears.

of course, most of the time i try to focus on the positive; that they are here now…and to cherish every moment we have together. it’s just…i don’t know. lately…things just aren’t good around here. the moments i am trying to cherish are becoming impossible because everyone is stuck inside their own cloud of emotions. everyone is dealing with themselves separately. these aren’t the days i want to look back on and remember when my parents are gone. i want to look back and remember my parents being happy. but as of right now i’m going to look back and remember their daily struggles and lingering misery that has been floating around the house for weeks.

no matter what i do around here lately, nothing feels right. i can’t help enough, i can’t say the right things…i don’t know. i really am trying to bring the spirits up in my own way, especially now that christmas is coming. but nothing feels right. i want to make everything right and i can’t.

all i know is that i love my parents. i don’t want to think about them being gone. i want to enjoy what we have now…i just don’t know how much longer i can be a cheerleader…especially when no on else is cheering me on :(

 

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