this is just one of those quick “im sorry” posts (to the people who actually read this) for my lack of posts lately. i have a lot going on but i’m keeping most of my life issues to my private journal these days. if you really want to keep up with me please follow me on twitter, as that’s where most of my thoughts seem to spew :)
https://twitter.com/haileyjane_
earlier this evening i thought it would be fun to try and figure out what my top 5 songs of all time were. after coming up with at least 30 i realized that coming up with 5 was literally impossible, so i upped the list to 10. that was hard too. but i did it. and feel the need to share it. (yes, this actually took time and effort, so shut up!)
and i’m throwing in a bonus. every sound track needs a bonus.
11. pursuit of happiness – lissie
and of course, very close contenders:
november 18th, lust for life, club paradise, hate sleeping alone & little bit – drake
break – selah sue
killing me softly – the fugees
you’re so last summer – taking back sunday
all i have to do is dream – terry reid
polaroids of polar bears – alexisonfire
werewolf – coco rosie
alright now – free
i think anyone who knows me pretty well might actually be surprised at my top 10…well, 11. after actually taking the time to sift through my humungo playlist, i noticed that many of the songs i consider my all-time faves aren’t even ones that i listen to all that often. for instance, everyone knows i have a slight obsession with miss britney but she hardly even made the list.
i think what it came down to were songs that were there for me through particular moments in my life. you know those songs that you put on and you’re like “wooooow, this is sooo my summer of ’09″…yeah, those ones!
so anyway. there you have it. kinda pointless blog but i wanted to write it anyway :D
the ones scared don’t scream.
the ones struggling don’t show their scars.
the ones hurting the most are the ones hidden.
people talk to me like i’m made of stone. i’m really starting to wonder if anyone believes i actually have a heart.
it’s winter, and i guess i just feel alone.
the very thought of this is so emotionally powerful and overwhelming that it only takes a few seconds until the tears are streaming down my face. these tears are different than any other. they come from a place so deep within my entire being that it feels like they will never stop; an endless pit of utter worry and awaited devastation that i know will one day hit me like a mountain of bricks, leaving me hollow. completely hollow and terrified.
my biggest fear in life is losing my parents.
a common fear? most certainly…usually among middle-aged people who are just beginning to see signs of their parents deteriorating. but generally by the time most people reach middle-age they are settled. they have a spouse, a house, a career, kids…a stable life. not that it makes the loss of a parent any less painful, but at the very least they have a family to lean on and a head on their shoulders. and most importantly, they’ve had at least 40 years of knowing and loving and sharing memories with their parents.
what scares me more than losing my parents, is losing my parents as a young person.
i was born when my mom was 35. my dad was 37. now that i’m 23, they’re older people. i witness their struggle on a daily basis. i witness the arthritis flare ups, the medication, the doctors appointments…it’s around me all the time. things might be different if life had taken them on different paths but it didn’t. my dad has heart problems and has already gone through major heart surgery. my mom had an accident at work that, even after two surgeries, has left her basically unable to function like a normal person.
it’s hard to be a young person and witness their pain and struggle. it’s just a constant reminder that one day they are going to leave me. they are going to leave me. and i won’t know what to do or how to handle anything because they will be gone and i won’t have the proper head on my shoulders to be able to deal with it. they won’t be around to see me have kids…or get married if i ever wind up doing so…they won’t be around for anything. they just won’t be around. and it’s that thought that rips my heart out of my chest and buries me in anguish every second that it runs through my mind. then come the tears.
of course, most of the time i try to focus on the positive; that they are here now…and to cherish every moment we have together. it’s just…i don’t know. lately…things just aren’t good around here. the moments i am trying to cherish are becoming impossible because everyone is stuck inside their own cloud of emotions. everyone is dealing with themselves separately. these aren’t the days i want to look back on and remember when my parents are gone. i want to look back and remember my parents being happy. but as of right now i’m going to look back and remember their daily struggles and lingering misery that has been floating around the house for weeks.
no matter what i do around here lately, nothing feels right. i can’t help enough, i can’t say the right things…i don’t know. i really am trying to bring the spirits up in my own way, especially now that christmas is coming. but nothing feels right. i want to make everything right and i can’t.
all i know is that i love my parents. i don’t want to think about them being gone. i want to enjoy what we have now…i just don’t know how much longer i can be a cheerleader…especially when no on else is cheering me on :(
to the outside world we all grow old. but not to brothers and sisters. we know each other as we always were. we know each other’s hearts…we live outside the touch of time. -clara ortega
as the youngest of four kids, and the only girl, i grew up knowing nothing but my three older brothers; each very different from the next. and it’s true in a sense…that even though we’re all much older now, i still see them as they were when i was young.
pat, my oldest brother, was the first one to embrace me as his little sister. my mom told me stories about how he used to bring me to school and show me off to all his friends–probably to pick up girls, mind you :P but it’s a story that sticks out in my mind and one that i enjoy hearing from time to time. he’s always been the story-teller of the family. i remember this as a kid and it’s still very apparent today. he had all of us cracking up at the brunch table when he popped by late this morning. this is something i can appreciate more so these days. as a teenager it was hard to find a common ground because of the age gap between us, but things are better now. i know that eventually, when my parents are gone, he will be the one still telling their stories and keeping their memories alive.
frank is the youngest of my brothers and definitely the closest to me. closest, not only because of age but because he has the best heart out of anyone i know. when i was 8 and he was 16, he could have been out doing a number of things…causing trouble or being a crazy teen…but the truth is he was always there for me. he made it a point to spend time with me; take me to lunch, read me bed-time stories and even act them out to make me laugh. he wanted to do those things. to be honest, when i think of my amazing childhood, i picture frank by my side. not only was he amazing to me, but he was amazing to all of my friends. he was like everyone’s big brother. and although i’m sure there were days that he didn’t want a bunch of crazy kids tackling him, he’d grin and bear it. today, frank is still the same kid he used to be, just bigger and married! i recently had the privilege of being in his wedding and it was amazing to see him so happy with his new wife. if anyone deserves to be happy, it’s him, because he went out of his way for me, and still goes out of his way to make others happy.
dan. he is my middle brother, although maybe i should say he was my middle brother. dan was my protector. that’s how i felt as a kid. he was a big guy, a little tough, a little rough around the edges…but one thing i always knew about him was that he was loyal. he had high standards for me when i was growing up. he always took interest in what i was doing in school, and would often surprise and reward me for doing well. he was cool that way. we actually had a lot of common interests… like movies and music, and at one point, web design. dan could be funny too. when i was a kid i knew there would never be another brother who would have my back like he did. but as it turns out i guess i was wrong. today i don’t know my brother. i haven’t talked to him in almost 6 years. there is nothing as painful as going through life knowing your own blood has disowned you and your entire family, is living in the same city as you, and wants nothing to do with you.
he married someone who changed him as a person–for the worse. she got him mixed up in drugs (something he had never been involved in, even as a teenager), convinced him of all these terrible things about us that were not true, and took him away from us. of course, i can’t blame everything on his wife. there comes a point when you need to be able to stand up and say “this is my family…and you aren’t going to take them away from me”….but he didn’t do that. it’s so hard to explain, and i’m not about to spill every detail in this blog post, but have you ever seen those shows where people get mixed up in cults and desert their entire family and take on an entirely new life? that’s the best way of describing what happened with my brother…except the cult is his wife.
the first couple of years not talking to my brother was the hardest. i would e-mail him and never get a response…page long e-mails. i would cry a lot. i would get my hopes up around birthdays and holidays that maybe he would reach out. maybe he would e-mail me back. maybe he would call me. but he never did. to this day he never has. i’ve given up e-mailing him and trying to contact him. i try not to think about it and most of the time i go through life pretending that he is dead. because, more or less, he is dead.
i hear things, through friends of his friends and people who know him, saying he lost his job, has prescription drug dependency problems, and more recently that he is living in a st josephs health care unit. these are things i do not know how to handle. he was an intelligent, normal human being when i knew him…when he was my brother. i mean, he had his own personality which at times i thought was a little off. he had a temper, could be moody now and then… but hey, who isn’t at times? i never thought anything of it. maybe he had underlying issues that my family didn’t know about. but even if that’s the case he could have come to us. i know that if he hadn’t got himself mixed up with who he married….none of this would be happening.
i don’t know who he is anymore.
i’m angry. i’m angry that he deserted our family and i’m angry that he could desert me. i am and i always WILL BE his little sister. how could you just abandon your little sister? how could you abandon your parents…your entire family? i’m angry that he doesn’t know anything about me. he stopped having contact with me when i was 17. i was a kid. he doesn’t know that i went to school for three years for advertising. he doesn’t know that i won an award for it. he doesn’t know what i’m doing now and he doesn’t care either.
it’s a hard pill to swallow. sometimes i think about it, and sometimes i don’t. tonight, i can’t stop.
and once again…
to the outside world we all grow old. but not to brothers and sisters. we know each other as we always were. we know each other’s hearts…we live outside the touch of time.
maybe it’s best not to think about the way things have become with dan. maybe it’s best to just remember him as he once was: a loyal member of my family, my protector…my brother.
i haven’t written anything publicly in awhile; nothing that goes too far below the surface anyway. i used to write openly all the time; blogs, notes, even a few rants here and there. the most you’ll get out of me these days is a few status updates or tweets revealing the relatively pointless happenings of my day-to-day life.
more often than not i’ll simply share a line or two of song lyrics, lately all consisting of drake because i can’t get enough of the ‘take care’ album that hasn’t even officially been released yet. most of the time the lyrics i post don’t even have anything to do with me or my life. i just think drake is a lyrical genius and i admire the way he tells stories through his music. he makes me think.
so, where’ve i been? physically i’ve never left. i’m still here. i’m still around just as much as when i was busy sharing all my thoughts, stories and aspirations on a daily basis. i struggle with how much i want to share these days or if people even care to read my blog or give a damn what i think about a current world issue or the documentary i watched last night that “changed my life”.
of course, the fact that i’m writing about not writing lately is overall hilarious to me.
man, living in my head is so not my style but i suppose a little mystery never hurt anyone. eventually, the writer in me will have no choice but to emerge and spill everything that’s been running through my mind for the past little while. who knows when that will be.
until then, take care.
going to the mall is supposed to be fun, right? especially when you are a 23 year old girl who has no problem spending her mula. i would normally agree with this, except for one thing that has been plaguing me for a long time without explanation.
i set off alarms wherever i go.
yeah yeah, you’re probably thinking, “wow, big deal”…and yeah, everyone now and again is going to set a store alarm off for one reason or another…whether it be because of a sticker left on their merchandise or a hidden tag in the lining of their purse…but trust me, this problem has risen to a whole other level.
first, like most women, i thought it must be my purse. i checked my purse lining, i switched purses, i bought new purses. alarms still go off.
then i thought maybe it was something to do with my cell phone, so i left my cell phone at home. alarms still go off.
then i thought maybe it’s something i’m wearing….but of course i wear different clothes all the time so that couldn’t be it. alarms still go off.
and finally, even though it’s a long shot, i took out my metal hoop nose ring. nope. alarms still go off.
is this the world’s way of telling me to stop spending and start saving? maybe. but more so it just frustrates me to no end because i’m looked at as a criminal. i constantly have to bring my merchandise up to the counter so that they can “demagnetize” it…even though i let the sales clerk know that it does nothing…and low and behold 2 seconds later the store alarms still go off.
people stare. i am questioned constantly and honestly, it has turned shopping into an experience i hate.
not only that, but it also embarrasses people i am with because their bags end up having to be searched as well.
and let me tell you, my little schpeel to the employees about my issue every time i walk into a store is getting very repetitive and annoying. shopping isn’t fun anymore!!
so what is wrong with me? why do i keep setting off these alarms wherever i go? i’ve literally done tests where i’ve taken off every piece of jewelery i own, leave my purse, wallet, cell phone…and walk through with nothing but a top and pants on…and alarms still go off.
i must have iron-rich blood. and no, i have no metal limbs or replacements either. sigh. no more shopping for me :(
